To everyone who feels lonely | Transforming Loneliness into Self-Discovery

[Olga]

Last Sunday, I reunited with some friends from a batik painting class. Batik, for those unfamiliar, is a technique of fabric painting. We reminisced about our time together, especially a period when one friend was going through a difficult breakup. Let’s call her Emma and her ex-boyfriend, Andreas.

Since breaking up with Andreas, Emma hasn't dated anyone. She mentioned that she hasn't felt the need because she viewed Andreas as the epitome of the perfect man—a polished diamond. While it was amusing to remember the drama of our youth, it was also sad to realize that Emma seemed stuck in that moment, unable to move forward with her life.

This made me reflect on the concept of eternal love and the notion that there’s only one perfect person for each of us. While some people do find lifelong partners, relationships often serve their purpose for a certain time and then end, allowing us to grow in different directions. People come and go, and that's a natural part of life.

Loneliness is a particularly devastating negative emotion. It’s similar to hunger, a basic need that, when unmet, causes significant distress. Loneliness is a hunger for social connections. In ancient times, being alone meant danger, while being in a group meant survival. This primal fear of being alone is deeply ingrained in us.

When we feel lonely, we often ask, "What is wrong with me?" This question is harsh because it implies a fundamental flaw in us. Many people, even those who seem outwardly perfect, struggle with this. They feel they need to keep improving themselves to be worthy of companionship, but this mindset can lead to a lifelong cycle of preparation for something that might never come.

A story from my teenage years comes to mind. I had a friend who engaged in many casual relationships. One morning after a night out, she kept going to the shower, trying to wash away a sense of dirtiness she felt. This showed that even though she sought out these connections, they left her feeling more isolated and unfulfilled.

True resilience and the ability to enjoy one's own company come from learning to be comfortable with solitude. This doesn't mean you should stop improving yourself or seeking connections, but rather that your self-worth shouldn’t be solely dependent on others’ approval. It’s essential to ask ourselves what we’re really afraid of when we fear loneliness.

Loneliness can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms, like overeating. Eating releases dopamine, the same hormone released during social interactions, which can temporarily mask feelings of loneliness. But these are only short-term fixes.

Reflecting on my own experiences, I've noticed that I feel less lonely when I have someone or something to care for, even if it’s not another person. Creating content for my community, knowing it might help someone, gives me a sense of purpose and connection.

My final thought is that you don’t need to be perfect to be worthy of love and connection. What matters is doing things that bring you joy and fulfillment, and this will naturally attract the right people into your life.

Emma’s story is a powerful reminder that getting stuck in the past can hinder our growth and happiness. It’s important to recognize that our value isn't determined by our relationship status or how others perceive us. Embracing solitude and finding purpose in our passions can help us build a fulfilling life. Ultimately, self-love and acceptance are the foundations for genuine connections with others.