The Truth About Being a Jerk | The Art of Finding Excuses

[Olga]

Here's a thought-provoking question to get you started. When someone else behaves poorly or treats others badly, you immediately notice it, right? You're quick to think, "Oh, that person acted wrong. They're such a terrible person." But what if you’re not as kind and good as you believe yourself to be? How can you figure that out?

Want the answer? You can't. You can close this page now. Seriously... Statistically, all the unnecessary readers have left by now, leaving only the ones who are truly interested. We can begin.

Discovering the truth about yourself is nearly impossible. This is because your brain constantly engages in a particular process, which you'll learn about shortly. Because of this process, even if you are an exemplary jerk, you'll never realize it. However, in the spirit of behaviorism, I've tried to capture the profile of a jerk through their actions and compiled the top 7 signs that you might be a jerk. Or maybe someone else you know is.

If you find yourself matching at least three of these signs, it's worth some reflection. Though you might not believe me.

Here we go with the top signs:

1. Weak Handshake
A weak handshake isn't about having a feeble grip. It’s a subtle way of showing disdain. By adjusting the firmness of your handshake, you convey to the other person how happy you are to meet them and how much you value their company. A limp handshake is your sneaky way of expressing disrespect.

2. Not Using Turn Signals
For drivers, failing to use turn signals when changing lanes is a clear sign. You merge into another lane without bothering to signal to other motorists. It’s like saying, "They'll figure it out themselves." You might also bypass traffic jams by driving on the shoulder, even if your only urgent reason is something trivial like wanting to get home quickly.

3. Playing Loud Music in Public
You blast loud music in public places like parks, trains, or beaches. Often, this is coupled with poor musical taste, but you remain blissfully unaware. There's a strong correlation between the lousiness of a track and the volume at which it’s played under people's windows. Yet, science still has to explore this mysterious phenomenon. You might think you're bringing joy to people’s lives by playing music, lifting their spirits. But in reality, you just don’t care.

4. Being Rude to Those Who Can’t Retaliate
You frequently insult others, but this alone doesn’t make you a jerk. The key point is you choose to insult those who can’t retaliate due to their position or professional constraints—like waiters, cashiers, subordinates, or students. You don’t dare to bark at those who can fight back. This distinguishes a straightforward rude person from a simple jerk.

Let me share a childhood story. Once, as a kid, while coloring and picking my nose, a thought struck me. What if I grow up to be a bad person, like those guys caught by the detectives on TV? The scariest part was thinking that if I became a bad person, I wouldn’t know it. I would believe my actions were fair and just, thinking I was still a good person.

If bad people knew they were bad, they'd stop their wrongdoings and try to become good. But they don't. Why? Because if you’re a bad character, others might know it, but you won't. The same goes if you’re stupid or dead. This thought struck me deeply and still makes me wonder if I can truly call myself a decent person. If someone called me out and provided evidence of my jerkiness, my brain would still justify my actions.

This process is called rationalization, a defense mechanism where you attempt to make the desirable seem real to maintain your self-respect. 

For example, you might think, "I was just in a hurry," when failing to defend someone or acting out of cowardice. This self-justification keeps you from acknowledging your faults and changing your behavior. As we explored in a previous video, most people think of themselves as nearly perfect. "Sure, I have flaws, but so does everyone," we tell ourselves. However, when our actions betray this self-image, cognitive dissonance kicks in.

When our actions don’t match our beliefs, our brain starts to rationalize, explaining why a seemingly unworthy deed fits our positive self-image. The more intelligent you are, the more sophisticated and transparent your rationalizations become. Studies show that people with higher intelligence are more prone to cognitive biases. Their advanced rationalizing skills make their errors and faults less visible, even to themselves.

Ultimately, intelligence and morality often have complex relationships. Being highly rational can lead to sophisticated self-deception. Smart people can end up on the wrong side, or worse, become jerks.

Everyone is inherently selfish to some extent. We form friendships to enhance our social status or avoid loneliness. But usually, we don’t think so calculatingly. We simply enjoy someone’s company. If you see a person and immediately think of how you can benefit from them, it says a lot about you.

Advanced wisdom involves perceiving reality without judgment. Few achieve this level of enlightenment, known as the "anti-jerks."

This post, where I judge and criticize various behaviors, reveals my place on the spectrum, delaying my enlightenment by another thousand years. But I hope you enjoyed it. Sometimes, it’s okay to criticize and complain, as the world is far from perfect.

However, if your negativity spills everywhere, it’s worth considering whether people avoid you because of your behavior. This brings us to the "crab bucket effect," where friends or family unconsciously hold you back from change. While this is common, most people can control this instinct.

The most incorrigible "crabs" who constantly doubt and hinder you are the real jerks. The ultimate sign of being a jerk is if, throughout this video, it never crossed your mind, "What if this is about me?"

This list is subjective and incomplete. If you have your own foolproof ways of spotting a jerk, share them in the comments.

Despite the prevalence of jerks, it’s important to remember that there are good, kind, and considerate people out there. They often go unnoticed because they don’t draw attention to themselves.

Even if the world seems full of jerks, it's crucial to realize that our experiences are colored by those who stand out the most—the loudest and most obnoxious people. There are plenty of quiet, considerate individuals who don’t make a scene but are equally valuable.

In conclusion, the world isn’t devoid of good people. Many just prefer to stay out of the spotlight. Let’s strive to not add to the world’s problems. A little patience and understanding can go a long way.