Delayed Life Syndrome - the Myth of Future Happiness

[Anderson]

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When this Community reaches a million members, then I'll be happy. Right now, there are only a bit. What is that even? I still need my own apartment, but I can't buy it outright, so I'll get a mortgage, and in about twenty years, I can finally exhale. By then, retirement will be around the corner, and I can finally relax. But for now, I have to endure. This isn't life yet; it's preparation. Life will be then, not now, right? In this video, we'll talk about the syndrome of deferred life, what it is, and how to overcome it. Like if you relate, and let's get started.

"When I grow up, when I move, when I save up..." This video starts with a quote from the band Grot. Whether you like it or not, the syndrome of deferred life can start in childhood. Many of us, when we were kids, had one big dream: to grow up. We dreamt that when we became adults, we could decide for ourselves what to eat, when to go to bed, and we could play computer games as much as we wanted. When this dream is not just a nice bonus but an all-consuming goal that prevents us from enjoying our current childhood, we can talk about the syndrome of deferred life.

So, most of you are already adults. The listed benefits of adulthood have indeed become available to us, but along with them came all sorts of worries. We have to earn money, take care of our health, cook food, establish relationships, and so on. The bliss that seemed visible from childhood didn't come. And here we start setting new goals, for example: "I'll work at this job I dislike just to gain experience and save some money, then I'll find something I love and enjoy it." This is just another step in the syndrome of deferred life.

So what is this syndrome? It's not a disease but a way of thinking where a person tries to prepare for life in advance. The problem is that this life never seems to come. A person with this syndrome always has a bright future ahead that will radically improve their life, while the current life is perceived only as a rehearsal for the real one. Let's briefly go through the history of the term.

The term "syndrome of deferred life" appeared relatively recently, in 1997, introduced by Doctor of Psychological Sciences, Professor Vladimir Serkin, according to Wikipedia. The phenomenon itself existed before, but Serkin described it while studying the psychology of northern residents who had lived for years with the idea of moving. The difference from ordinary neurosis is that with neurosis, there is a generalized scheme of "I want but can't," while with deferred life syndrome, it's "I want, I can, but I don't allow myself." Serkin wrote that the first mention of the syndrome can be found in the works of writer Kipling, who described the life of an Englishman living in a colony and waiting to return to England to start a real life.

Where does this affliction come from? There is, of course, the version that, like usual, it starts in childhood. The syndrome can develop if a parent instills in a child the belief that love, joy, happiness, and other positive emotions must be earned by doing something extremely significant. As a result, the person loses the ability to enjoy the current moment. Even if they have achievements, it will always seem insufficient; they need to do more and more. Until they achieve some self-chosen goals, they supposedly don't have the right to be satisfied, happy, or love themselves unconditionally. 

The main problem is that the life moment that a person strives for never comes. We always find something that mars the perfect picture in our heads. A personal example: I thought that when I left my unloved job, I would never have problems with my beloved work; I would always have the desire and strength to work. But now that I'm a YouTube blogger and seem to be doing well, before starting this video, I procrastinated for several days, dreading having to create something from scratch. The truth is that even if you currently have a job you dislike and think that when you have a job you love, all suffering will end, it won't. Even a beloved job can get tiring, you can run out of energy, or you might face a creative crisis, and so on.

The inaccessibility of ideals is clearly visible in the example of money. We think that if we earn more, we can finally afford everything we want. But usually, with increased income, our needs also grow, and this race never ends. You can't win in this game. The syndrome of deferred life makes us devalue our current life because everything we have now is quickly taken for granted, even if a few years ago we only dreamed of our current situation. Examples from childhood can be used again. If you had demanding parents, you might be familiar with this scene: You get a B, and they say, "Why be happy? You need an A." You get an A, and they say, "It's not a gold medal, so it doesn't count." You get a gold medal, and they say, "You didn't win the Olympics, so it doesn't count." Thus, all of the child's achievements are devalued, which carries over into adult life. You might achieve objective success, but the voice from childhood will always tell you that there's nothing special about it.

How can we overcome this destructive mindset? The best way is, of course, to see a psychotherapist and try to change deep-rooted beliefs with a specialist. But there are some things you can start doing on your own.

First, learn to be present. Don't think, don't do, just be. Try it right now. What do you feel in your body? Are you comfortable? Which hand feels heavier, the left or the right? Do you smell anything? What do you see? What do you hear? These questions about what you feel right now help you return to the present moment. This is exactly what people with the syndrome of deferred life miss. This exercise also helps with anxiety. Do it when you notice you're getting too caught up in thoughts about the future.

Another hack against anxiety about the future is to ask yourself two questions: First, can I do something now to achieve my main goal? Second, do I have the energy for it? If you answer no to at least one of these questions, switch to the present and enjoy what you have because you can't speed up the arrival of a happy future.

Second, stop enduring. You need to identify what you're enduring in your life. It's best to make a list. These can be big difficulties or small annoyances, like poor infrastructure in your area or snide remarks from a colleague. Write down next to each point what you will do to stop enduring it. This will help you build love and respect for yourself.

Third, try to treat yourself to small pleasures more often. Happiness doesn't need to be earned. You can treat yourself right now. Go to the movies, eat your favorite dessert, or buy that sweater you like. You don't need a reason or an achievement for it. Use what makes you happy. If you buy a new sweater, don't save it for a special occasion; wear it like any other clothing. We're all familiar with our grandmothers' habits of keeping nice dishes in the cupboard, only to bring them out on holidays at best. Don't repeat their mistakes.

Fourth, celebrate your victories. There's nothing wrong with having a dream or a big goal, but it should be broken down into many small goals. As soon as you accomplish something, celebrate it. Acknowledge all your achievements; they all matter, even the smallest ones. Don't forget to rest. Rest is a necessity.

Fifth, seek support. Have you heard of the phenomenon of a bucket of crabs? If one crab tries to escape, the others don't help but pull it back down. In life, you need to get rid of such crab-like people. If your environment doesn't believe in you, says "why do you need this," "where are you going," or "you're just being greedy," then you should reduce communication with such people. We need the support of loved ones. Know that such supportive people exist, and if they are not around you now, it doesn't mean you won't find them. 

The cliché "live in the moment" is unlikely to motivate anyone, but if you at least recognize that you have the syndrome of deferred life, it will be the first step towards improvement. It's unlikely that you can completely get rid of it once and for all, but life is a journey. You can't go through it like a computer game; there is no straightforward path to victory. There is only the process, which is the most important part.

Watch our interesting video on Youtube: 

 

[Alisa]

Great topic! I think social media plays a big role in how we view our lives and our goals. It's so easy to scroll through and see people sharing their achievements, milestones, and perfect moments. It often makes us feel like we're falling short or not doing enough. This constant comparison can really intensify the feeling that our current life isn’t enough. It’s as if everyone else is living their best life while we’re stuck in a holding pattern, waiting for our real life to begin. This perception can contribute to what’s known as deferred life syndrome, where we continually postpone our happiness and fulfilment, thinking we need to reach a certain point or achieve specific goals before we can truly enjoy life. One effective way to shift our mindset is to limit our time on social media and curate our feeds to include positive, inspiring content rather than content that makes us feel inadequate. It’s also helpful to remind ourselves that social media often shows a highlight reel, not the full picture of someone’s life. Practicing gratitude and focusing on our own achievements, no matter how small, can help us appreciate our own journey.

[Monk]

Gaining knowledge doesn’t mean that, right after learning something new, you’ll suddenly find yourself floating happily through open space, wandering freely without a care. That’s not how it works. But this doesn’t mean you should shy away from learning or delay seeking knowledge. Life isn’t something to be put on hold while you wait for a perfect moment that may never come. 

The real goal is to enjoy life as you learn about it. By understanding the world and your place in it, you don’t just absorb facts—you integrate yourself more deeply into the fabric of life. You develop meaningful and practical strategies that help you navigate your own unique path. That’s what’s important.

Life will always have its challenges; unexpected events will happen—something will break, fall apart, or blow up somewhere, either on a global scale or within your personal life. Who knows what’s around the corner? But the thing is, this is life. This is what we’re experiencing right now, and it’s not something that you can pause or save for later.

More Thoughts

Waiting for perfect conditions to live fully is an illusion. Life is inherently unpredictable, filled with both opportunities and setbacks. Embracing the process of learning and growing, despite the chaos, is key to finding fulfillment. Knowledge empowers us, not by guaranteeing happiness or success but by equipping us to handle whatever comes our way. We need to stop postponing our lives, thinking that someday everything will be just right—because that day might never come. Living in the present, continuously adapting and learning, is what truly keeps us moving forward.