Why Agreeable People Struggle to Succeed

[Anderson]

If you ask someone who is inflexible what they want, they will immediately tell you that they know exactly what they want and how to get it. On the other hand, highly agreeable people often struggle to identify their own desires. They have become so accustomed to living for others, to defining and accommodating other people's wants, that they find it challenging to understand their own needs on their personal journey. While this adaptability might serve them well in some situations, it can be a serious disadvantage when it comes to building a successful career.

Interestingly, when examining extremes, men and women exhibit distinct patterns of flexibility. Generally, women are more agreeable, while men tend to be less so. This dichotomy can be seen clearly in extreme cases—where the most agreeable individuals are typically women, and the least agreeable are men. The extremes are often more significant than the averages.

This phenomenon is also visible in prisons, where men far outnumber women. A key trait leading to imprisonment is inflexibility, which is closely linked to ruthlessness—a stark contrast to politeness and empathy. This starkness highlights the consequences of being inflexible.

To illustrate, think of it as a game of negotiation. If you are highly agreeable, you are likely to negotiate in favor of others rather than yourself. Conversely, if you are inflexible, you negotiate with your own interests in mind. Highly agreeable individuals might say "no" or offer a 50/50 compromise, but they genuinely want to help. If you're highly agreeable, be cautious; you might be exploited if you're not careful. This is often a result of early childhood conditioning, where children are taught to be accommodating. In the real world, this trait doesn't always work to one's advantage.

I advise agreeable people, especially conscientious ones, to speak their minds and express their true thoughts. Agreeable individuals are not straightforward because they dislike conflict and tend to smooth over disagreements. According to my hypothesis, conflict is unnecessary for children as it is too dangerous and should be avoided to maintain a semblance of calm. However, avoiding conflict to resolve short-term issues can lead to bigger problems if not managed properly.

In the long term, avoiding conflict might seem safer, but it doesn't work well because disagreements need to be addressed; they don’t just disappear. The advantage of being less agreeable is that these individuals overcome obstacles. Socializing a less agreeable child effectively can lead to their success because such individuals are determined and hard to stop. However, if these children are not socialized properly by the age of four, they may face rejection from peers, which is a significant problem.

Parents should aim to make their child socially appealing by four years old. This often involves ensuring that the child can interact well with other children and adults. A child who is perceived as a "little monster" because of poor parenting might face rejection and insincerity from others. This could negatively affect their mental health and well-being.

Teaching a child a few simple rules of behavior—such as not interrupting chatty adults, being attentive, not hitting others, and sharing—can help them interact better with peers. Positive experiences in play can foster continued social interaction. From the age of four, children's socialization primarily occurs with their peers. If they don’t start engaging early on, they may fall behind, which can have lasting consequences. A four-year-old child who struggles to play with peers who are more advanced will face increasing gaps in development.

This disparity continues as children grow; a five-year-old will not engage with a three-year-old due to the developmental gap. If a child lags behind from the start, peers may leave them behind, leading to social isolation. Such children may become antisocial and aggressive. This aligns with the peak of creativity among men, which often occurs between the ages of 16 and 25 before declining. This age range also sees a spike in criminal behavior, closely related to testosterone levels, which increase aggression and dominance.

As testosterone levels drop around 25-26, men typically start settling down, drinking less, focusing on their careers, and taking on more responsibilities. This phase is crucial for developing serious relationships and family life, which are beneficial for personal growth. By examining contrasting viewpoints, one can gain new insights and broaden their perspective.

Understanding and adapting to one's temperament is essential for personal growth. For instance, if you're an introvert, observing and learning from extroverts can be beneficial as they possess social skills you might lack. Developing new skills and perspectives outside your comfort zone can make your temperament more flexible, much like having a diverse set of tools for different situations. 

For hyper-extroverts, learning to be quiet and observant at social gatherings can be valuable. Introverts should practice speaking publicly and participating in social events instead of hiding away. If you are overly agreeable, learning to stand your ground is crucial. Conversely, if you're inflexible, practicing agreeableness can help you avoid being perceived as harsh.

The same principle applies to responsibility. If you are excessively responsible, you might need to learn to relax and not control everything around you. On the other hand, if you lack responsibility, using tools like Google Calendar to schedule your day can help you become more organized. Breaking out of a vacuum where only disorganized individuals thrive can significantly improve your ability to stay focused.

In relationships, understanding and matching temperaments is crucial. Being with someone whose temperament is drastically different from yours can make communication difficult. For example, extroverts and introverts might struggle to coexist, as could organized and disorganized individuals. Awareness of your temperament can aid in negotiating and understanding your partner better. It's important to seek someone with differing viewpoints, as this brings valuable alternative perspectives.

In summary, knowing and adapting your temperament and approach to different situations can enhance your social interactions and personal growth. Understanding both your strengths and areas for improvement helps create a more balanced and fulfilling life.

[Monk]

Hehe, seems like there are so many connected with a magic word of "desire"... Almost everything which is related to goal setting, motivation, success and etc related to this beautiful thing... I would like to connect the dots and leave some links to the post well connected with this one.