The Struggle with Unfulfilled Desires | Why It's Okay to Not Achieve Every Goal

[Anderson]

This text presents a profound reflection on the nature of desire and the challenges associated with pursuing our deepest wishes. It’s a powerful reminder that while effort and determination are crucial, they don’t always guarantee success. The key takeaway is the importance of our relationship with our desires, particularly the unfulfilled ones. This perspective offers a liberating shift from self-criticism to self-acceptance, allowing us to find peace and balance even when life doesn’t go according to plan. It’s a lesson in humility and a call to embrace the unpredictability of life without letting it undermine our self-worth.

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I've always had a deeply held desire: I've always wanted to be a highly sought-after individual. The kind of person who gets invited to every party, who is offered exciting projects and prestigious positions, who is lured with high salaries. I've wished for this for many years, but no matter what I do or how hard I try, this desire remains just that - a wish. 

Am I alone in this? Certainly not. Everyone has a cherished dream. Some people spend years searching for a life partner, others struggle for decades trying to discover their true calling. Some yearn desperately for children, while others crave freedom. The thing about deeply held desires is that they have a frustrating trait: regular desires either get fulfilled or fade away over time. But these cherished desires are different—they stubbornly refuse to either come true or be forgotten, haunting us for years, sometimes even a lifetime, constantly reminding us of what we lack.

For a long time, I believed my problem was that I couldn't fulfill my deepest desire. I spent years harshly criticizing myself for my inability to achieve what I wanted. Until one day, I realized that the problem wasn't that I couldn't fulfill my desire—it was that I believed this desire had to be fulfilled. In a society saturated with success stories and fueled by the relentless optimism of life coaches, it's considered shameful to even admit that you have a desire you can't realize. Such a situation is deemed unnatural, abnormal, marking the person with the unfulfilled desire as a loser or a victim of some great injustice. 

But why should it be? Even if you want something with all your heart, and you try your absolute hardest, gathering every ounce of your willpower, staying relentlessly focused, and inching closer to your goal every single day, you can still fail to achieve what you desire. And there's no shame in that. 

The truth is, the fulfillment of our desires, no matter how cherished they may be, depends not only on us and our efforts but also on countless other factors entirely beyond our control. As one philosopher noted years ago, "The hand of providence reveals itself through the dreams we fail to realize." And I believe he was right.

Should we strive to fulfill our desires? Yes, of course - that’s not up for debate. The real question is: Where is the point in our pursuit of a desire when it’s time to stop? Where is the line beyond which determination turns into a waste of time and energy, and self-confidence morphs into self-flagellation? The more I believe I will surely achieve my goal, the less I understand when to stop, and the worse I become at assessing risks. The more I tell myself that my desire will certainly be fulfilled, the harder I fall when it isn’t.

People often say that Buddha taught the path to happiness lies in the elimination of desires. But I think that's a misunderstanding. The elimination of desires is just another desire, no better or worse than any other. The quality of my life doesn't depend on whether I manage to get rid of my desires, but on how I relate to them, especially those desires that remain unfulfilled.

Whether I choose to strive or not is entirely up to me, but whether I succeed or not is something completely out of my control. Since I came to this realization, life has become much easier.

How about you?