How We Forgot How to Be Friends

[Anderson]

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Remember how easy it was to make friends as a child? We could run up to our mom and say, "Mom, I have a new friend! We just met in the sandbox!" It was that simple. Now, we're surrounded by social networks with dozens, even hundreds of contacts, many of whom we've never met. Can you name at least one person you could call right now to ask the silliest question or seek help? If you can, congratulations! You're lucky. Such a luxury isn't available to everyone. Treasure it because it might be the last person from that mythical group of best friends who now seem like abstract, distant acquaintances.

You might still celebrate birthdays or discuss the weather with them, but do you feel the same warmth, reliability, comfort, and support as before? Many people struggle to answer if they have true friends. How did it come to this, being surrounded by hundreds of people just a click away, yet having fewer friends? What exactly is friendship, and how can we cultivate it, especially in adulthood?

Let's break it down. The human brain has a physiological limit on the number of social connections it can manage, known as Dunbar's number. It's about 150 people on average, with a maximum of around 300. This was the number of individuals that could coexist successfully in primitive communities before the development of complex social structures like religions or states. Modern studies confirm this number; for example, experiments showed that profiles with around 300 friends were perceived as popular yet manageable, whereas having thousands of friends on social media is often just an illusion.

Social media tricks us into believing we have an active social life, with everyone giving each other fleeting likes and hearts. But do you remember the last time you genuinely cared about someone's digital update? Probably not. Friendship requires effort, time, and attention, which are increasingly scarce. As children, we have few responsibilities, so friendship becomes a primary activity that generates all other engagements. But as we grow, studies, work, family, and hobbies take precedence, leaving little time for friends.

Should we be worried about this? It depends on your priorities. Modern life is notorious for making people bad at maintaining friendships. We often neglect personal connections for the sake of professional networking, thinking we have dozens of useful contacts. But at the end of the day, we might find ourselves feeling lonely and regretting the loss of close friends. - here is a topic to read - To everyone who feels lonely | Transforming Loneliness into Self-Discovery.

At the very moment when we need the support and security of friends the most, we push it away, leading to heart-wrenching regrets. Friends skip meetings, miss birthdays, and the only person who might notice your absence on social media is your mom. We sit on opposite sides of an emotional barricade, hiding our regrets and avoiding attempts to fix the situation.

Friendship is indeed a responsibility, much like taking care of a pet. We "adopt" friends, and in doing so, we must learn to take responsibility for the relationship, making conscious efforts to maintain it. Often, relationships fade because we politely think the other person is too busy, avoiding what seems like idle chatter. But we need to take the initiative - remind friends about yourself, organize gatherings, and pull them out for activities. You'll be surprised at their gratitude. If not, then maybe it's time to let go.

Some people believe friendship should be effortless, but statistics show that natural friendships mostly flourish in childhood. As adults, we need to work on maintaining friendships. Researchers have found that friendships formed during late school years or higher education tend to last longer than those formed in childhood. Overcoming common challenges, like exams, often strengthens bonds.

As we age, the natural model of forming friendships no longer works, so there's nothing wrong with making a conscious effort to develop and maintain them. Friendships, like romantic relationships, require work and responsible attitudes. Don't hesitate to reach out to friends you haven't spoken to in a while. Studies show that people appreciate receiving messages from friends more than we might expect.

Maintaining friendships becomes increasingly challenging with age. By 65, 25% of people have no friends at all. So, where is the line between an acquaintance and a friend? Sociologists suggest it depends on the duration of interaction. It takes about 50 hours of interaction to form a casual friendship and around 200 hours to develop a deep friendship.

A good friendship checklist includes positive regard, openness, practical help, shared worldview, mutual enjoyment, and valuable resources. This list can help evaluate and nurture your friendships.

Compromises are normal in friendships. It's a mistake to expect friends to be perfect soulmates who share all your views. Accepting that friends can have different opinions can preserve relationships. Male and female friendships also differ; women often focus on emotional support, while men prioritize social status and physical activities. Despite these differences, friendships can be incredibly fulfilling and crucial for mental well-being.

So, nurture your friendships, take responsibility, and don't hesitate to invest time and effort into these valuable connections.

[Monk]

Your mention of feeling lonely despite being surrounded by people reminded me of a period in my life when I was going through a tough breakup. I felt isolated, even though I had many contacts on social media. One day, I decided to reach out to an old friend from college who I hadn’t spoken to in years. To my surprise, he was thrilled to hear from me, and we quickly picked up where we left off. That simple act of reaching out made a world of difference in my mental health. It made me realize that sometimes, people are just waiting for someone to make the first move. It’s okay to feel lonely, but taking steps to reconnect can lead to wonderful and unexpected reconnections.

[Nancy]

The part about friendships made during late school years or higher education lasting longer resonated with me. I think back to my university days and the friends I made there. We bonded over late-night study sessions, stressful exams, and shared dreams for the future. Even now, years later, those friendships remain some of the strongest in my life. We’ve all moved to different cities, but we make it a point to meet up at least once a year. Those shared experiences created a strong foundation that has withstood the test of time. It’s a reminder that friendships forged through shared challenges can be incredibly resilient.

[Peter]

One thing I’ve learned over the years is to appreciate the friends who stick around. I used to focus on the friends who drifted away, wondering what went wrong. But then I started focusing on those who remained. One friend, in particular, have a constant presence in my life since elementary school, but is it a real friend like you wrote in the post? I'm not 100% sure...