Let Go of Yourself | How to Stop Being a Prisoner of Your Own Fears

[Olga]

There’s a reason why you’re not living the life of your dreams, and it’s something almost everyone struggles with. Most people, when they hear this, will recognize it instantly as something that applies to them. This reason explains why you didn’t ask out that person you liked, why you didn’t apply for that job that seemed perfect, or why you haven’t started that blog you’ve been thinking about. The core issue behind all this hesitation and missed opportunities is that you’re too focused on yourself. 

Let me give you an example. Imagine you’re in a group of people, maybe coworkers or friends. You want to be the life of the party, and the perfect moment comes up to tell a joke or share an interesting story. But instead of seizing the moment, your mind is flooded with doubts. You start questioning whether it’s appropriate, if anyone will find it funny, or if it’ll just fall flat. While you’re stuck in your head, someone else jumps in, makes the joke, and everyone laughs. They get all the praise, and you’re left thinking, “That could’ve been me.”

Why did this happen? Both you and the other person thought of the same joke, so it’s not about who’s funnier or smarter. The difference is that your mind added unnecessary steps between your thoughts and actions—steps filled with doubt and fear of judgment. The problem isn’t that you didn’t tell the joke; the problem is that this same mental process affects many areas of your life, slowing you down in your career, relationships, and personal growth.

We’re going to work on breaking this pattern.

I wanted to create this post because I’m currently going through a tough time myself, dealing with a lot of anxiety. This is completely normal—life is full of ups and downs, and what defines us is not the challenges we face but how we handle them. I’ve recently gone back to therapy after a year-long break, and I’m grateful for the support I can access whenever I need it. Many of you are also dealing with anxiety, and I want to remind you that seeking help is not something to be ashamed of.

When you find yourself hesitant to take action, whether it’s asking someone out or applying for a job, it’s often because your mind is fixated on the worst-case scenario. Here’s a practical exercise you can do: take a piece of paper and write down the absolute worst thing that could happen. Then, write down nine alternative outcomes, from the most terrifying to the most positive. This exercise helps you realize that your fear is just one possible outcome among many, and it helps reduce its power over you.

Fear and self-doubt can ruin your life if you let them. I know people who spend so much time worrying about what others think or what could go wrong that they miss out on opportunities. They’re so focused on what might happen that they forget to live in the present moment. Intelligence and overthinking can become traps, keeping you from taking action because you’re too busy analyzing every possibility. But life isn’t just about thinking—it’s about doing.

You are more than just your thoughts. You’re also defined by your actions, your appearance, your achievements, and your surroundings. When you allow fear and self-doubt to dominate your life, you’re not living authentically. You’re living in a prison of your own making, unable to move forward because you’re too scared of what might happen.

Living your dream life doesn’t mean you have to control everything. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. You need to let go of the things that don’t matter and focus on what you can actually influence. Imagine how much easier life would be if you only carried the burdens that truly belong to you.

Now, let's talk about societal expectations. We all want to be liked and to leave a good impression, but we often overestimate how much control we have over others’ perceptions. The truth is, only about 20% of how others perceive us is within our control—how we present ourselves and how we behave. The other 80% is filtered through their personal biases and perceptions, which we cannot control.

When you start focusing only on what you can control, life becomes simpler. You can make decisions and take actions based on what truly matters, without being paralyzed by the fear of what others might think or what could go wrong. This shift in perspective can significantly reduce your anxiety and free you to live a more fulfilling life.

In summary, life is about balancing what you can control with what you can’t. It’s about letting go of unnecessary worries and focusing on the things that truly matter. When you do this, you’ll find that you’re not only more at peace but also more capable of living the life you’ve always dreamed of.

Final Thoughts
This message resonates deeply with the struggles many of us face. We often become our own biggest obstacles, trapped by our fears and self-doubts. The practical advice here is empowering—learning to let go of what we can’t control and focusing on our own actions is key to unlocking our potential. It’s a reminder that living authentically and pursuing our dreams doesn’t require us to have all the answers or to be perfect. It just requires us to take that first step, to act, and to trust that the rest will follow.

[Anri]

This post was very insightful, but I would like to know how one can differentiate between valid concerns that need attention and fears that are just holding you back from taking action? 

[Olga]

@Anri Thank you for your thoughtful comment! It’s a great question because understanding the difference between valid concerns and fears that hold you back is crucial for making better decisions and moving forward.

Here’s a way to approach it:

1. Examine the Evidence
   - Valid Concerns: These are usually based on evidence or past experiences. If you’ve been in similar situations before and things didn’t go well, your concern might be valid. For example, if you didn’t prepare for a presentation last time and it didn’t go well, that’s a valid concern that preparation needs attention.
   - Fear-Based Hesitations: These often lack concrete evidence and are more about "what ifs." If your mind is racing with hypothetical worst-case scenarios without any strong reason to believe they’ll actually happen, it’s likely fear talking.

2. Time-Sensitivity
   - Valid Concerns: These typically relate to long-term consequences. If not addressed, they might lead to significant setbacks or missed opportunities. For instance, worrying about whether you’re qualified for a job might be valid if you lack key skills.
   - Fear-Based Hesitations: These are often urgent and paralyzing but less impactful in the long run. Worrying that people might laugh at you for a minor mistake in a meeting is more likely driven by fear than an actual problem that needs attention.

3. Impact on Your Life
   - Valid Concerns: Ask yourself, “Will this matter in a year?” Valid concerns usually have the potential to affect your life in a significant way if not addressed.
   - Fear-Based Hesitations: These are often fleeting and less likely to have a long-term impact. They’re more about discomfort in the moment rather than lasting consequences.

4. Gut Feeling vs. Rational Thinking
   - Valid Concerns: These tend to hold up under rational thinking. If you can discuss the concern with a trusted friend or mentor, and they agree that it’s something worth considering, then it’s likely valid.
   - Fear-Based Hesitations: These often don’t make sense when you say them out loud or when you take a moment to think through them logically. If your gut feeling is driven by fear, it may be more about avoiding discomfort than addressing a real issue.

5. Take Small Steps Forward
   - Test the waters: If you’re unsure whether a concern is valid or fear-based, take a small step forward. If it’s a valid concern, you’ll gather more information to make a better decision. If it’s fear-based, you’ll often find that the fear diminishes as you take action.

Remember, it’s natural to have concerns and fears, but the key is not letting them hold you back. By evaluating them with these strategies, you can start moving toward the life you want, step by step.

Hope this helps!