Overcome Shyness | How to Be Confident, Relaxed, and Authentically You

[Olga]

I once knew a girl who had a peculiar way of behaving. She was incredibly charismatic, intelligent, and well-read—a truly fascinating person. However, she could only reveal this side of herself in the presence of close friends and family. The moment she found herself in a larger group with many new faces, surrounded by other interesting and bright individuals, she would seemingly vanish into the background. As soon as we left the party or gathering, she would blossom again. If you’ve noticed similar behavior in yourself, this might resonate with you.

Social anxiety is an emotional discomfort that ranges from mild unease to intense fear, often triggered by social interactions or even the anticipation of such interactions. You might not even be interacting with anyone yet; simply the thought of having to introduce yourself in a new group or going on a date can provoke a visceral fear. For some, it’s so overwhelming that they avoid going to stores, using public transportation, or even walking outside. The manifestations of social anxiety are numerous, but they all share one thing in common—they make life more challenging and less enjoyable.

Anxiety can take many forms. An anxious person might exhibit a nervous gaze, fidget, or bite their nails. On the other hand, someone else might react by appearing aloof or overly confident, masking their inner turmoil. For example, there was a girl in my school who always had an expression that seemed to say, “In ten years, I’ll be driving a Mercedes while you’re all in prison.” This too can be a manifestation of social anxiety. We all react to stress differently.

Let’s tackle our social anxiety by breaking it down. When you experience it, you’re usually dealing with two emotions: anxiety and shame. Anxiety is the worry about things that haven’t happened yet—worrying that you might say something foolish, make an awkward joke, or that others might think you’re strange or unintelligent. Shame, on the other hand, is the feeling that not just your actions, but you as a person, are somehow wrong or unworthy. Unlike guilt, which comes from the belief that you did something wrong, shame tells you that you *are* wrong.

Shame is one of the most destructive emotions, as it strikes at the core of who we are. But how do we combat these feelings? First, we need to recognize cognitive distortions—these are the misleading thoughts that distort reality. For instance, I have a friend who’s very charismatic and attractive, used to getting a lot of positive attention. However, when I reacted more reservedly than others to his stories, he assumed something was wrong between us. He imagined that I was upset with him, even though everything was fine. This was a projection of his own insecurities.

To avoid cognitive distortions, it's important to stop overthinking others’ reactions and projecting your own fears onto them. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that others’ opinions define us, but that’s simply not true. We often overestimate how much others notice or care about our perceived flaws. In reality, everyone is too preoccupied with their own lives to scrutinize ours as closely as we might think.

Another example of a cognitive distortion is seeing things in black and white—good or bad, right or wrong. As I grew older, I realized that life is full of shades of gray. Things are rarely as simple as we make them out to be. You might think being confident is always good and being unsure is always bad, but the truth is more nuanced.

There are no perfectly confident people who never experience fear or anxiety. We all have the same basic set of emotions—fear, joy, sadness, anger—just in different intensities. If someone claims they never worry, they’re not being honest with themselves or others. The key is in how we deal with these emotions. Do we berate ourselves for feeling anxious, or do we accept it as a normal part of life?

Take beets, for example. Some people might hate them, but did you know beets are used to make sugar and are a key ingredient in dishes like borscht or salads? You might not like beets on their own, but you might enjoy them in certain dishes. This analogy applies to us as well. We are complex and multifaceted, much more so than a beet. You can’t label someone as simply good or bad because they are human and have a range of qualities and emotions.

Social anxiety is often tied to the fear of what others think of us, but just because someone might think poorly of you doesn’t mean you are bad. If someone judges you for laughing too loudly or being too sentimental, that says more about them than it does about you. Everyone has the right to their emotions.

To help manage social anxiety, try shifting your focus away from yourself and onto others. Notice how they also make mistakes or behave oddly. You’ll see that people aren’t as perfect as you might think, and this realization can be liberating. Remember, when you meet someone new or go on a date, they’re probably just as nervous as you are.

Lastly, let’s talk about catastrophizing, which is the tendency to blow things out of proportion. For example, if you receive a poor grade or a harsh critique, you might start spiraling into thoughts of failure, imagining the worst possible outcomes. But remember, one person’s opinion or one negative event doesn’t define your future.

No one knows you better than you know yourself. Others may form opinions, but those opinions are not the ultimate truth. When you start catastrophizing, try to ground yourself in reality. The worst-case scenario you’re imagining is likely not going to happen.

FInal Thoughts:
Social anxiety is a challenge that many people face, often silently. It can be debilitating, but it’s important to remember that it doesn’t define you. You are not alone in feeling this way, and with self-awareness and practice, you can manage these feelings and lead a fulfilling life. Recognizing cognitive distortions and challenging them is a powerful tool in overcoming social anxiety. Life isn’t black and white, and neither are you. Embrace your complexity, and allow yourself the grace to be human.

[Anderson]

This post hit home for me. The breakdown of social anxiety and cognitive distortions was spot on, and the personal stories added a layer of relatability that made the content really stick. I wanted to add that something that's helped me is focusing on grounding techniques when I feel anxiety creeping in during social situations. Simple practices like deep breathing or mentally listing the things I see around me can help bring me back to the present moment and ease that initial wave of panic. Also, I’ve found that practicing small acts of self-affirmation before heading into a social event—like reminding myself of past successes or strengths—can build confidence over time. It’s a gradual process, but these small steps can make a big difference. Thanks for sharing such thoughtful and practical advice!

[Monk]

Reading this post felt like someone had put my own experiences into words. I’ve struggled with social anxiety for years, especially in larger groups where I tend to fade into the background, just like the girl you described. One thing that’s helped me is setting small, manageable goals before social events. For example, I might challenge myself to start a conversation with at least one new person or to stay engaged for a specific amount of time. It sounds simple, but these small steps have gradually made social situations less overwhelming.

Another technique that’s worked for me is visualizing the event beforehand, imagining it going well, and focusing on the aspects I’m looking forward to. This helps reduce the anxiety of the unknown. I also remind myself that everyone has their own insecurities, even if they don’t show it, and that I’m not alone in feeling this way.

Lastly, I’ve started journaling about my social experiences (here is a good post about it)—writing down what went well and what I learned. It’s helped me see progress over time, which has been really encouraging. Your post really brought all of this into perspective, and I appreciate how you’ve framed social anxiety as something that can be understood and managed, rather than something to be ashamed of. Thanks for sharing your insights!

Edited August 10 by Monk